Dear Lord, another birthday. Hard to believe I used to actually look forward to these annual events. When I was younger, I could hardly wait to be one year older. When I was 16, I desperately wanted to be 18. And, when I reached 18, I was equally eager to be 21. What a cruel twist of fate all these years later and I approach the anniversary of my birth with reduced enthusiasm. Being keen on always seeing the silver lining, however, surely there are a few advantages of being of a certain age.
Now did you actually think I was going to write a blog about the good things about aging? Sorry for the "bait and switch," but what could possibly be good about getting old?? There's a reason the words "old and cranky" are often used in conjunction. But I was able to come up with a few. If anyone has any more to add, feel free to leave them in the comments.
1. Calling everyone "doll." I'm not exactly when this started but at some point I reached an over-the-hill age when it just seemed right to starting calling everyone--complete strangers, cashiers, waiters and even work colleagues--doll or honey. No idea why or when I suddenly felt this privilege was bestowed upon me, but I won't lie; I do like it. Makes me feel a bit like a sage powerful Yoda of sorts. And, best part is people seem powerless to argue it. No one is insulted and right from the start, I've established that we are not equals. I've seen a lot of shit, just by living this many years so obviously I'm very wise, and possibly just a little nutty too. I've used all of these presumptions to my advantage plenty of times.
2. Discounts at movies. I have not yet made use of these but I will! That is, if I can push my vanity aside for a moment to admit that I'm this age. I get an AARP card in the mail monthly. I throw them away immediately, as if that will somehow disqualify me from the continuation of the aging process.
3. Being shameless. Yep, that's right. I have reached the point age-wise where almost nothing embarrasses me. This newly acquired super power makes it possible for me to go damn near anywhere sans makeup, sometimes wearing the same shirt I slept in (tastefully under something else, like a sweatshirt, of course). Not only is this a real time-saver, but also has drastically cut my wardrobe and makeup budget.
4. 9 years until retirement. Enough said.
Taking a pause
A few weeks ago I had my belated annual physical. My doctor asked if I was having any issues. I actually feel pretty damn good for an old broad, but I did mention that sometimes during my second cup of coffee, I all the sudden get really hot. Super odd, doesn't last long but boy when it hits, I'm tearing off like my clothes like George Clooney is sitting on a bed and patting the empty place next to him.
She kind of smiled and mentions that it's most likely the onset of menopause or I guess in this case, perimenopause. I just stared at her for a minute and then very calmly explained, or this case "doc-splained" to her, that it couldn't possibly be that. It obviously has something to do with the caffeine. I mean I'm not that old! I still have a IUD!!
I've spent the better part of my adult years terrified of my own fertility. Both kids were conceived instantaneously. Freakish fertility runs in the family. My sister and my aunt both easily conceived kids in their 40s. My aunt is five years older, a mid-40s surprise baby! I guess you gotta be good at something.
Dating "Six-pack Will" for several years did little to alleviate this concern as I was fairly certain his sperm was probably in top shape and most likely very fast and agile. Having a baby in my late 40s was enough to keep me up at night and double-downed on birth control. So now the fertility chapter of my life is closed forever?
So first up, I'm not calling it menopause. Just like the word menstruation should not have the word "men" in it, neither should menopause. Both annoying consequences of being female that hardly impacts men at all, other than dealing with the cranky, sweaty women in their lives. So henceforth, I'm just "pausing" or "taking a pause."
What other fun things are on tap, I asked my doctor. Oh boy, brittle bones, hot flashes, weight gain, brain fog, dry vag, fatigue and night sweats...I can hardly wait. What a party! Sign me up! Brain fog? This will come as disappointing news to my coworkers and loved ones, who already suffer from my not-so-great memory. It's getting worse? Groovy. Wow, we really did get the short end of the stick, girls.
Now I assure you that I'm not taking this news lying down, not going down without a fight. I can't do much about the "pausing" that I guess is coming, but no way in hell I'm getting old.
I mean mentally I'm still 30. Despite my chronological age, I still feel like a rebel. A rule breaker. A troublemaker. A law breaker. I speed and curse, often at the same time. I can spend hours laughing at videos of people falling on Tik Tok (because my sense of humor stopped developing at 18). I have no filter, like a toddler or senile elder.
I still love concerts as I have my whole life. I went to Lollapalooza, for God's sake! Didn't see a whole lot of AARP members there. I like to party (within limits), love my wine, and am a big fan of marijuana (once considered counter-culture, now hardly edgy since it's legal). But surely I'm way cooler than the typical perimenopausal old lady.
Was I supposed to mature and outgrow these things? Age out of that world? What's weird is I just don't feel how what I assumed someone 56-years-old would feel. And, I'm not planning on changing anytime soon. I certainly have a tough act to follow when it comes to physical aging.
Some of you know Barb Senior, my mom, who has been defying the aging process for decades. She can still beat me in tennis, won nearly every golf tournament she played in this summer (including her club championship), has had 7 hole-in-ones, does pilates 3 times a week, and can probably beat up your mom. She's a legend, and I will be trying to follow in her footsteps every step of the way!
A rebel with a pause
So to wrap things up: go fuck yourself, aging process. I'm not going quietly into this next chapter. I'm going to continue to be a slightly mischievous, rebellious girl who loves live music and occasionally getting high. Because I'm a rebel. That's why.
To be honest I'm happier and in better shape than I was 10 or even 20 years ago. So bring it. I'm sure it won't be sunshine and rainbows daily, but I plan to enjoy this next chapter, despite having to take a pause once in a while. And, rest assured, you all will have a front row seat as I continue into my decent into menopausal madness so don't worry.
Hope this blog finds you all well. Hoping to keep up a better cadence now that outdoor activities are probably coming to an end soon. Enjoy the fall, everyone. It will be 2022 before we know it!
We'll talk again soon.
Barb
Barb
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