Hello everyone. Yes, I'm back again, like a bad penny. Weather has sadly turned the seasonal corner (no more outdoor tennis or bike riding) and Lori Lightfoot, our COVID-fighting superhero of a mayor, has asked us to stay at home to hopefully stem the rising tide of virus infections. Silver lining: a blog from Barb.
It's official: I'm off the market
So, I've met a boy. Now, those who know me know this isn't particularly newsworthy so let me rephrase: I have met THE ONE. I know many of you are thinking, what? Wasn't this crazy women just sifting through giant mounds of potential dates in her last blog? Answer: yes! But I found him. A great one, and I am officially off the market!
His name is Jon and while we've only been dating for a few months, he checks all the boxes. He skis, plays tennis, loves music, is funny and a travel bum. We have a ton in common. Both of our fathers were engineers who moved us frequently as kids, both spent our formative years in New England.
All of this came as a pleasant but unexpected surprise. The first time he told me he loved me, I stammered and told him to "drive safe." Ok, so I'm a bit out of practice but finding my footing.
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| Jon serenading me in the backyard. |
Yes, some of you are thinking it's way too soon to make such a bold proclamation. It's akin to announcing you're pregnant moments after conception. Perhaps I am a bit nutty; I doubt anyone who really knows me would question that is a possibility. But somehow I kind of know he's a keeper.
It also feels great to not be on the various dating apps as I was definitely suffering from Bumble fatigue. Dating is fun but exhausting and let's face it: at this age mentally trying to keep track of all the names was damn near impossible and quite stressful. I did my best to keep everyone straight but all too often I would hear, "Nope, that must be another guy." Cringe. "Are you sure your Mom doesn't live in Arizona?"
I had a few tricks. One night Laura walked by my phone on the kitchen counter and nearly died laughing, "Mom, someone named "other Frank" just texted you." I have another guy saved in my phone as "Brian, not Joe." Don't ask. You gotta do what you gotta do. Many times I've been en route to a date and couldn't remember what his name was.
The Online Dating Commandments
After five years and quite literally 300+ dates, I am a literal treasure trove of dating tips so I thought I would share some now that I can say I have achieved success. No way, I'm walking off the battlefield of online dating without sharing some hard-fought, best practices to those brave souls I leave behind. Semper Fi or whatever the Marines say. Can't abandon them without some departing advice so please pass this blog along to any friends, especially women, who are still treading water in the often turbulent waters of online dating.
Let's start with a few common words and terms you will see on profiles that might need translating.
Ethically non-monogamous = I cheat
Open marriage = I cheat on my wife
School of Hard Knocks = high school graduate
Drink frequently = alcoholic
Entrepreneur = 70% of time this means unemployed
Athletic Build = played football in high school
Another incredibly common sighting is men's profiles that state their age, but the first line of the profile is "Really 56, Bumble won't let me change." So let me translate this one: I am 56 but I want to date women at least a decade younger so I lied and set up my profile to say I am 42 and now I can't change it. This one is so common that I can't even say don't date these guys. Just proceed with an abundance of caution because you know out of the gate, they are A: a liar and B: someone who needs a younger woman to feel better about their old-ass self.
Another one I learned the hard way: if a guy asks you to communicate through a messaging app of any kind (WhatsApp, WeChat, etc.), he's married. Period. Hard stop. Move on.
Set the Rules and Stand by Them
This is important. I have dating rules in place and I never waver from them. Rules work multiple ways. For example, I never travel for first dates. We will meet in my neighborhood or it's not going to happen...period. Why? Well, for one I feel it lessens my chance of being murdered, dismembered and stored in large trash bags in someone's garage. I think my Mom saw this on TV once, so I made this promise to her early in the game.
The secondary benefit of this I discovered is that it serves as an excellent "asshole" filter. If a dude puts up any kind of fuss about this, or proposes meeting halfway, he's been snared by the filter and boom, there's one less dick to deal with, literally and figuratively.
Second, drinks only on the first date. This is one I learned the hard way. Sure a free dinner is nice but if you are like me, you get a pretty good sense immediately if there's any type of connection with someone. If you don't feel it, then your inner self will want to flee. Quite badly. Kind of a fright-or-flight instinct kicks in. Commit to a meal and there's an hour (if you are lucky) of your life you won't be getting back. But a cup of coffee or a glass of wine can be consumed much faster and you're on your way. No harm, no foul.
Third, do not give anyone your phone number until after you meet. This is another one I have made the mistake of doing before. As a result, I quite literally have hundreds of "blocked"numbers on my phone. The only downside is when I'm heading to a date and don't remember their name.
Last one: don't give him a second chance to prove he's not interested. Again, I have broken this rule, always to my regret. Here's a common scenario: You go out on a date and it's fun, but then you don't hear anything from them. I dated someone this summer who fell into this category. Every date was fun and we both seemed to have a good time, but then crickets. Being me, of course, I refused to be ignored and wanted to know what happened. His response: I'm just not really into dating right now. As Ariana Grande says, "Thank U. Next."
Here's the thing: I'm a fucking catch and I know that. But, I was chasing. Big mistake. Don't chase men. They are biologically built to be the pursuer. If they really like you, they will call or text. If they don't, move on.
Talking directly to all of you ladies still in the hunt: You are great. Hard stop. You are worth being pursued. Period. I saw this meme on Instagram the other day and boy it really nails it. Enough said.
Silver lining for 2020
Well, one of the silver linings of this shit show of a year is that we are finally riding ourselves of Donnie. The "Orange Turd" will be gone. The National Guard might have to drag his fat ass out of the White House, but his reign of terror will soon be over.
Like him or not, Joe Biden is a good man who will do the right thing. He will surround himself with smart people who he will listen to and then he will govern. He might even be a boring president because he will most likely act...well presidential. I, for one, am looking forward to it.
I certainly hope that things don't worsen before they improve but I think we all need to prepare for a tough end of year with this stupid virus. A vaccine is not a pipe dream though. It's real and it's coming so keep the faith everyone!
Ok, this is getting long so I'll wrap it up. I hope you are all staying safe and sane.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Barb
Missed any blogs? You can catch up with the past blogs with links below:
It's About DamnTime: Barb's First Blog
6 Tips for Working from Home
Celebrating Love Amid Dark Days
Derelict Driving and My 15 Minutes of Fame
Are We Living Through the Greatest Depression?
Why is Mother's Day a Day and Not a Week?
No-Speed Naveed and the Joys of Urban Transport
Shapewear and The Costs of Being Female
Golf, the Cruel Mistress of Summer
2021: A New Year, a New Outlook
Bidding Adieu to a Wonderful Summer
The Time Machine in the Garage
The Benefits of Being a Certain Age
There's a Sandwich in Every Beer
Remembering the Big Ass Christmas Party
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