"Oh dear Lord, she must have run out of topics to write about."
That is my guess at everyone's initial thoughts about this week's topic: the alley. Now when you think of the word "alley," my guess is the first thing you think of is getting mugged or just danger in general. I mean let's face it; bad shit happens in alleys so in most people’s minds, they are dark, dangerous places to clearly avoid at all costs.
While I would not argue with that logic, in Chicago there is simply no way to avoid alleys, as they quite literally serve as a backbone to the city's infrastructure. There are more than 1,900 miles of alleys in the city of Chicago on 90% of the city's blocks, and alleys have played an important role in Chicago since the very beginning in 1830!
In the early days, the alleys were made out of wood and coated with coal tar, which was rather unfortunate in the 1871 Chicago Fire when the alleys caught fire in addition to the buildings and residences, leaving 100,000 homeless.
The huge upside of alleys from an urban planning perspective is unlike cities like New York, the trash is not on the street. You don't smell refuse as you traverse the city's sidewalks, which is great and makes Chicago seem like a much cleaner city in general than other big cities.
I like to think of alleys in Chicago as the modern urban promenade...but with rats and trash bins, because everyone crosses paths in the alley. I have friendships with many neighbors and, in many cases, is based around having conversations in or simply exchanging greetings in the alley.
I truly do find this fascinating because where else in the world do people of such vastly different socioeconomic levels cross paths? On the street behind me and throughout my neighborhood, there are a multitude of million+ dollar homes but right across the alley there's a much more diverse group of residences, including a few delabitated homes, several where I'm pretty sure people just flop in.
There's only one thing all this entire gamut of humanity has in common: the alley. Where else would you see millionaires and homeless people casually crossing paths on a daily basis?
I had my first scary experience in the alley on my first day in Chicago. I was unloading my car when suddenly I felt someone's presence close to me. I turned around to find his giant man dressed in what appeared to pajama bottoms and a dirty white t-shirt offering to help me unload my car.
Fortunately, I watch Dateline regularly so I knew I was about to be murdered, tragically five minutes after arriving. Fearfully and politely I declined his offer. "Are you sure? You have a whole car load of stuff? he said.
Oh ok. He's not taking no for an answer because he's already committed to murdering me. What's my play? Scream fire and run? I swallowed by welling panic and said no, it's ok.
He finally accepted that I was not about to let him help me and he moved on. Weeks later, I met him again though this time I realized that he was not indeed a serial killer, but a dentist who lived next door! And, yes, Frank has been told the story, and he and his wife, Vesna, are both now friends for life who I absolutely adore, despite moving to Wisconsin a few years ago.
There's always something going on in the alley. A few years ago, mid Zoom work call, I saw a naked man casually sauntering down the alley. Without saying why, I immediately left my work call and ran outside to find two Chicago police cars slowing pursuing him (think OJ chase, but slower).
Driving through the alley is not for the faint of heart. Why? Well for one, they are 16 feet wide. Might sound like ample berth, but when you add the trash bins, recycling trash cans, and random shit (mattresses, furniture, appliances, etc.) that find their way to the alley, your room for error is actually quite small. And, because Chicago is based on a grid, every alley ends with an abrupt and zero-forgiveness, 90% turn, a corner around which you have zero visibility.
Add an oncoming car coming from the opposite direction, and you have a fun game of Chicken, one in which either the biggest car or the biggest set of balls (of driver) wins.
Another commonly found character in the alley is the scrap metal truck, or fleet of trucks. These trucks, most of which look barely road-worthy themselves, troll through the alleys daily on bald tires in search of any heavy piece of metal they can find, which everyone knows to drag out to the alley. My advice: Don't try and play Chicken with a scrap metal truck; they have little to lose and most likely no insurance.
In the winter it gets even more fun because despite the fact that they are not private roads, the Chicago snowplows won't touch them so snow, ice, etc. is just a daily reality most winters. Walking in the alley, or attempting to drive through it, is not advised in these conditions but also completely unavoidable, making them endlessly entertaining in the winter. I have to wear Yaktrax (spikes) over my boots to just walk the dog.
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